"And that my friends, was a Meteor."

"I once thought you were a star for me to wish upon, but I was wrong." -The Rocketboys

I find myself singing this line of the song in my head quite often lately.  Usually, this would mean that my ADD has kicked in, but this line has sort of become a reminder about how I choose to look at my relationship with God.  Let me explain a little:

I have been struggling with anxiety lately (good thing I have to go to therapy for my theories of counseling class. haha.) over quiet a few things that are going on my life.  I have no job, no money, and no idea how i'm supposed to support myself in the coming months. I'm always complaining to my mom and George and my roommates about how terrible I feel and what a failure I am because I can't find a job.  I'm pretty sure I drive them completely crazy and for that I am sorry. But, it has resulted in anxiety and on occassion I will get a mild bout of depressed thoughts and feelings.

I always fail to consider the fact that not once in my entire life have I ever gone without.  I've always had a roof over my head, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, a bathroom to shower in, more clothes than I could ever truly need, social support, love, and encouragement from others.  So why all this anxiety and worrying?  I honestly don't know.  My mom and Jessica keep reminding me that I need to trust God and to know that he is going to take care of me.  How hard could that be?  For me, and for many others, I'm sure, it's much easier said than done.

That's where this song quote comes in.  I have a tendency to treat God like I would a genie or santa claus.  I expect him to provide me with a job and with what I want right when I want it, just because I prayed a prayer and because I'm his child.  I say that i'm trusting him and that I'm being patient, but everytime I go into an anxious panic of applying for a million jobs, I always end up disappointed.  Instead of keeping a healthy mindset and thanking him for all the times he has provided for me and for all the things he has given me, I focus on what I don't have or what I lack. I always blame myself or get down on myself for not being able to find a job. This causes anxiety and the whole cycle repeats itself. This one line from this song, though probably not really having anything to do with God, reminds me that God is not an object or a magical being that exists to grant my wishes.  This probably seems really obvious and juvenile, but sometimes its the obvious or little things that I forget or just completely miss.

Now that i've sorted out my mess of thoughts, I think i'll go work on the pile of case studies and articles that need to get done. ;) This whole blogging thing isn't really all that bad after all. Later -xoxo